Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

Through this past year or more, we have all had reasons to mourn, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job or income, the loss of gathering with loved ones, the loss of travel, the loss of opportunities, the loss of “normal,” the loss of relationships, the loss of……fill in the blank. 

As believers, we try to keep a positive, optimistic, faith-filled perspective. We remind ourselves that this world is not our home, not our final destination. We may even remind ourselves that our situation is not as bad as someone else’s. While these statements are true, by focusing on them exclusively, we may be missing out on an essential component of life, that of grieving. It is important to recognize that we have suffered loss. It is important to give ourselves the opportunity to feel the pain of loss, of grief, of brokenness. It is only when we mourn that the Lord promises to bring comfort. 

Many cultures know how to grieve better than we do here in the West. I don’t know how it is in your culture, but in the US, when you suffer a loss, you are expected and encouraged to press on, forge ahead, get over it, etc. 

One of the pastors at my church shared an excellent message about mourning. He told us he had three points, which we would remember, and he was right! 

1. Let it out.
2. Let it last.
3. Let it fade.

Let it out:  

When we suffer loss, sometimes we are required to carry out specific tasks that don’t give room to mourn, so we push our feelings down and operate in a state of “get it done.” For example, if a loved one dies, you may have to handle funeral arrangements, taking care of the deceased’s family and/or belongings, etc. So, you set your feeling aside and just do what needs to be done.  

Or we may feel that what we have lost is “really not that big of a deal,” that it shouldn’t bother us. For example, with school quarantines, my eldest son missed out on some pretty special 6^th grade traditions (6^th grade is the highest grade in his primary school). He was sad about it, but figured it wasn’t as bad as missing out on high school or university graduation. However, it was still a big loss for him. I didn’t want him to just push those feelings aside, diminish their importance, or to believe he didn’t have permission to grieve over them. In fact, I encouraged him (and my other children) to think about the things they have lost during COVID, to feel the sadness of those losses, to recognize that it hurts, to not dismiss them as unimportant. The things that are big in our lives are important to the Lord, even if others may deem them less so. 

It is crucial to take time – even in the midst of taking care of things – and even if your loss seems small in the grand scheme of things – to allow yourself to feel the pain of the loss, and to express it. Your spirit, soul and body know you have suffered loss. The pain will come out at some point and in some way. It is better to conscientiously let it out than to hold it in and allow it to grow into something bigger and potentially unhealthy. 

Let it last:  

There is no “right” amount of time to mourn. The Bible is full of stories of people grieving for lengthy seasons, 7 days, 40 days, even 70 days. At times people will say, “It’s been a number of months since you suffered loss. You should be over it by now.” Mourning lasts longer for some than others. And it can come and go. My Mom passed away in July of 2019, two days after my daughter’s birthday. We “celebrated” Vanessa’s birthday in the hospital. For months I couldn’t talk about her without intense emotion and oftentimes tears. As the months went by, I was able to see pictures of her (especially pictures of her with my daughter on her last birthday with Grandma) and speak of her without tears. But still, there are moments when grief hits me and I weep over the loss and pain and I feel. Even writing this, my eyes have become teary with how much I miss my Mom. (There are even times I get emotional talking about my brother who passed away 40 years ago! Or remembering the pain of a harmful situation from early childhood.) 

We need to allow ourselves enough time to grieve, and not despise the unexpected moments of pain or sadness that pop up at times. This is all part of the process. 

Let it fade:  

While there is no prescribed amount of time to mourn, the intensity of the emotion should fade over time. There are some who hold onto the feelings and the pain with tenacity, fearing that letting go of it will somehow dishonor the memory of the loss. Others have made the “season of mourning” become their identity. They either don’t know who they are if they are not mourning, or they feel unworthy or guilty letting go of the grief. Letting the mourning fade does not dishonor the loss. On the contrary, it demonstrates how God has healed us and made us able to live in such a way to honor the one who passed away. Or how God has used the loss to launch us into our destiny with greater appreciation or passion because of the loss we have suffered. If we don’t let the mourning fade, we get stuck in a prolonged season of ineffectiveness and mere survival mode. This does not honor anyone. When we are mourning we do not dream, or create, or build, or reach out to help others. Holding onto mourning too tightly or for too long diminishes our “light.” We are to be the light of Jesus to a dark, hopeless world. If we cannot move past our own grief with Christ’s help, what hope do we provide for others? 

My eldest brother, Terry, passed away when he was 18. My Mom remembers the day she didn’t think about him until noon. She was mortified with herself, thinking of what a horrible mother she was that she “forgot” about her son. The Lord assured her that she was not a terrible mother. That she would never forget Terry. But that in allowing the mourning to fade, she was embracing life, being who she needed to be in the lives of her other children and those around her. Terry wouldn’t have wanted her to spend the rest of her life in sorrow over his death. He would have wanted her to be healed, full of joy and laughter, moving forward into the things the Lord had prepared for her. And that is what the Lord wanted for her too! 

The Lord tells us that if we mourn, we will be comforted. We must embrace both seasons – the season of mourning (for however long it lasts), and the season of comfort. If we never allow ourselves to be comforted, we are rejecting the promise of God.  

Let us mourn well, recognizing the pain of our loss (of whatever size or significance), allowing ourselves to feel and express it for as long as needed, and allowing ourselves to be comforted as time passes and the Lord heals. 

Let it out. Let it last. Let it fade. 

All for the glory of the One who loved us first.